I have a very persistent itch on my left arm. If I have scabies, some punk-ass bitches are going down. The last thing I need right now is scabies.

Actually, that’s not true. What am I doing in the next two weeks that is so important I can’t stop and itch and cover myself in a tar-like remedy? I am tying up 20g portions of green beans in plastic wrap and cutting 60 kilos of shallots into various shapes and sizes, that’s what. And frankly, I don’t think I would mind at all to take a moment out of all that bliss to itch.

So perhaps this is the perfect time for scabies. No time like the present. Here’s hoping.